cut for possibly triggering crazy

so, like most of the time when i return to here from extended stays other places, i’m currently so crazy that i’ve made myself physically ill. can’t breathe, acid taste in mouth, stomach pains, queasiness, tension aches, heart palps, vision issues, whole nine yards, combined with psychosomatic paralysis (i know there is a better word for this but whatever — and seriously it has taken me humiliatingly long to open this tab to write this) and ideation so intense that i’m sort of glad i apparently can’t move. so basically i’m going to curl up in bed and try not to kill myself once i figure out how to walk all the way upstairs to it. i tried to eat a few times but couldn’t bring myself to do it — even the most ridiculously safe of all safe foods sound beyond disgusting. i haven’t even managed a sip of water since i got here and i tend to drink a lot of water. i know, obvs, that food would probably help, but i can’t do it right now. i ate a little @ one of the airports, idr which, so i’m not about to keel or anything. but yeah. i pretty much just need to pass out (in bed, preferably, but i don’t set my standards high) but i have no idea how to make myself get that far. i haven’t even been able to get to the bathroom and that is much closer and less procrastinate-able. idk, idek, i’m going to turn off the talking-internet now i think and possibly try to watch some tv in bed or something. so good night the internet.

(and my room is pretty much crazy-proofed, guys, so dwbi. plus i can’t move so i’m basically safe. i’m not posting this as a cry for attention i just sort of want to record how things get for my own reference, you know? i’ll feel better in the morning and shit.)